I'm Nearly 43 - This Is What I Needed to Hear 10 Years Ago

I'm nearly 43.

Which feels slightly absurd because I'm fairly certain I was 29 about five minutes ago.

I don't feel particularly wise. I absolutely do not have my shit together. I still have one too many glasses of wine, can't say no to a well-made marg, will happily eat a block of dark chocolate in one sitting and remain completely convinced that slothing in bed for an entire day is a perfectly legitimate use of time.

But I've lived enough life now to know a few things I didn't know ten years ago.

Things I wish someone had told me at 33. Not because I would necessarily have listened — I was 33, after all — but because some things are easier to understand once you've lived them.

1. You are not behind.

There is no correct order for a life. You are not behind because someone else bought a house, had a baby, became a CEO or worked out what they wanted to do at 29. Some things will happen later than you imagined, some won't happen at all, and some of the best things will be the ones you never planned for. There is no imaginary life spreadsheet keeping score.

2. Your body is not a project you need to finish.

Oh, the years I've spent thinking my body needed fixing. A little less here, a little tighter there, perhaps looking slightly more like the woman I thought I was supposed to be. I'm increasingly interested in something else now: actually enjoying the body I've got. It has carried me through a lot. It deserves a little less criticism and a lot more living.

3. Stop explaining yourself.

Women are spectacular explainers. We can turn a simple “no” into a 700-word essay involving childcare logistics, work commitments, a mysterious headache and an apology for existing. You don't have to justify every decision you make. “I don't want to” is a perfectly respectable reason. So is “that doesn't work for me.” The people who matter will survive without the footnotes.

4. Stop making yourself smaller so other people can feel bigger.

Be nice. Don't be intimidating. Don't be too ambitious. Don't talk too much. Don't ask for too much. Don't be too sexual, too loud, too opinionated or too much of anything. Somewhere along the way, I realised I'd spent an awful lot of time editing myself for other people's comfort. I'm much more interested now in being the whole, slightly unruly version.

5. You can change your mind about your entire life.

The career you wanted at 30 might not be the one you want at 43. The relationship dynamic you accepted five years ago might not work anymore. You might discover something you love completely out of the blue. You are allowed to change direction without declaring the previous version of your life a mistake. Sometimes you simply grow out of something. That's not failure. That's being alive.

6. Invest heavily in your women.

The older I get, the more convinced I am that good women are infrastructure. The ones who know when you're bullshitting yourself, who celebrate your wins without making them about themselves, who will sit on the bathroom floor with you after a bad night and still make you laugh. Make the dinner. Take the trip. Send the voice note. Tell them you love them. These relationships are worth more than we realise when we're young.

7. Learn how your money works.

I really wish we'd been taught this alongside algebra. Know what you earn, what you spend, what you own and what you owe. Know what your super is doing. Have money that is yours. Money isn't everything, but financial independence can give you something incredibly valuable: options. And options, I've learnt, are a pretty wonderful form of freedom.

8. Nobody is thinking about you as much as you think they are.

That embarrassing thing you said at dinner? Gone. The photo you hated? Everyone else has already scrolled past. The outfit you worried about for three days? Nobody remembers it. We spend so much time imagining an audience judging us when most people are busy wondering if they look weird. So wear the dress. Make the art. Say the thing. You might be awkward. You might also have a great time.

9. You don't have to earn rest.

There will always be another email, load of washing, deadline, school form, birthday party or thing you suddenly remember you were supposed to do. If you wait until everything is finished before you rest, you will be waiting forever. Go to bed. Read the book. Sit in the sun. Sloth magnificently. Rest isn't a reward for being productive enough. You're allowed to do nothing simply because it feels good.

10. Your life is happening now.

This is probably the one I needed to hear most. I spent years thinking life would really begin when I had more money, more confidence, more time, a better body, a sorted career, older children, a clearer plan. But there is no magical “then”. There is just this. This messy, beautiful, funny, sometimes difficult life. At nearly 43, I don't have it all figured out. But I think I'm finally getting better at actually being here for it.

Maybe getting older is simply getting better at knowing what matters — and what really doesn't. I don't have it all figured out, and I'm not sure I ever will. But I know myself better, I'm less interested in pleasing everyone, and I'm much more willing to change course when something isn't working. At 43, that feels like a pretty good place to be. Now, where's that marg?